Elusive clarity


3. to free (the mind, intelligence, etc.) from confusion; revive.


It’s clear to me that I’ll never have 100% clarity. Some things have clarity and others I don’t think I’ll ever get.

I clearly have chemo brain and didn’t realize it at first for a few months. It’s messed up my thought process. I hope it goes away. “Mom, you just said that 2 minutes ago!” “I did? Crap.”  I fertilized my potted plants one week, then did it again the next week. Now I’m frantic that I’ve killed them all. *expletive*

Some things have become very clear to me. Like people whom I thought were my friends that were only there for their own benefit and used me for their own validation. Who drained my friendship like sucking soda through a straw, until I was empty and had no more to give. I’ve gotten the clarity to know that I don’t have to put up with that. That I don’t have to sacrifice myself to have a friend. Nobody is worth that. That having no friend is better than having a person like that for a friend.

I thought I had a new friend.( Actually a re-friend because we had been friends as kids and lost contact as we became adults.) But I quickly realized that it was always me contacting her, texting or calling; rarely did she initiate contact. So I stopped being the first one to contact, to see if she would try to communicate first. I haven’t heard from her in 2 months. So I guess I can check that one off.

Other things have become more clear as well. After having cancer I appreciate things even more. I’ve always enjoyed the everyday things in life like sunsets, the beauty of nature.   I feel sad for people who don’t notice or care about the wonders around them.

This is a bud from a thistle. I never knew they were so incredible. Did you?

I realize how much my family loves me. Hubs and Son love me even though they don’t act like it sometimes. Which I already knew that, but it wasn’t as tangible as it is now. It’s easier to forgive them now when they piss me off. 🙂

Something that will never be clear to me is why/how people can treat other people so badly. People they know, people who are complete strangers. Why do they have to be so rude and inconsiderate? What has happened that people only care about themselves and what they want and to hell with everyone else? How does THAT work out for the good of mankind?  I don’t think it does. But I don’t want to dwell on that. I’m going to look out my window and see the beauty of today. The sun is shining, the grass is green. I am alive and fairly well. My family is alive and well. That’s all I need. Life is good.


4 thoughts on “Elusive clarity

Add yours

  1. I loved everything about this post. (except reading you have chemo brain) It all rang so true to me. Why do people only care about themselves and friendships end up one sided.I love that you ended on a positive note 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are always welcome.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: