“Phase”, not to be confused with “faze”, which I almost did. I saved myself by making sure on dictionary.com. Yeah, I have it on speed-click. If I’m unsure about a word’s meaning, or a spelling that’s where I go.
So with this revelation, I’ll write about phases. I’ve had a LOT of them. Some I never realized I’d had until I looked back. Some I never wanted in the first place. Some I’ve been in my whole life (life-lesson phase).
I’m looking back over let’s say.. the past 5 years. It has been a maelstrom of life changing events. Some shook me to my core and I’ve never been the same. Two involved my son and a few involved me. I will protect his privacy and not say what involved my son. I can talk about the events that involved me.
These have all led to the left turn of my life and ended that previous phase of it.
I have always been horse crazy. Ever since I can remember. I remember drawing horses in elementary school. We lived on an acreage and naturally, I dreamed of having a horse. I got one when I was 10. I’ve talked about her in a previous post. Fast forward through my life and I’ve had horses most of the time. I worked on horse farms through most of my younger years until I was almost 30. When I got married and we eventually moved to an acreage in the country, I started up again by having horses. So they’ve been a big part of my life in some form or another.
They’re a lot of work. They’re a lot of heartache. They cost money. They’ve given me joy and solace by the bucketfuls. They have been food for my soul. I had 9 at one time and realized that I was more of a horse slave than a horse owner. I was doing more work than having fun. So I sold some of them. Years ago I was forced to sell a couple more that I didn’t want to sell. My parents died, my siblings went postal and my heart just wasn’t in the horses as much. I still loved the two that I had left. Dearly. One of them was my favorite. I think it was in 2012 that I had to have her put down due to founder. It’s a serious foot problem. That left one horse in the pasture, and I didn’t want her to live by herself, especially when she’d never been by herself. Plus my heart was demolished from the loss of my girl. So with a broken heart, I sold the last one. One of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do concerning the horses. Besides having one put down. THAT is THE worst.
This left me “without horse”. Something that hadn’t happened in over 20 years. They’d been phased out. “Without horse” was a new phase and one that I had to adjust to. It’s been difficult. It also led to another event. We didn’t need 10 acres of land if we didn’t have any animals to put on it. It was upkeep with no return. So we decided to move. We’d lived there for over 20 years. Phase out old house, phase in new. Building a new house was an experience that would best be left for it’s own story. I will say that I never want to do it again. For the record, I didn’t want to build one, I wanted to move in to one that was already built. Anyway, having one built took over a year. I’d just had surgery right before we started. I’d never had any surgery before. Little did I know that I would rack up 3 more before I got to today.
Bigger house, smaller acreage. In a subdivision. Never lived in a subdivision with houses all around. New phase of my life. Within weeks after we moved in to the new house, I found out I had cancer. Well, isn’t that a new phase! Ok. I tell myself. Just deal with it. Oh, my waist length hair is going to fall out? Fabulous. New phase: no hair. But it’ll grow back. Ok, whatever. (Yeah, I’m still pissed off about it.) I had it cut as short as possible, and donated it to Children with Hair Loss.
It’s been 9 months since we moved. I’ve been through the chemo, lost all of my hair, survived the cancer and am currently cancer-free. Or maybe I should say “without cancer”. A new phase- “without cancer”. But it will always be with me, because of the fear of it coming back. But I guess that’s one of those phases that I’ll live with. Hopefully it won’t faze me too much.