Ok, so I’m over at Dictionary.com looking up a word to make sure it’s spelled right. Turns out “hoard” does not have an “e” on the end. I think it looks better with the “e”, but oh well.
Anyway, this little box is at the bottom and it says “What is Ghosting?” Now, I’ve heard this term before but never knew what it meant. I figured it had something to do with video games. I don’t do video games so didn’t pursue it. This time, curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up. Apparently, I’ve been ghosting since before ghosting was common.
I tend to just disappear from people. Not so much in romantic relationships, although I’ve done it once or twice. But that was many, many moons ago. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing. But for me it’s been more frequent in friendships. It’s not like I didn’t try to keep the friendship alive before I cut all ties. I did. I really value my friendships. Maybe too much because the friends evolve into taking advantage of it.
In these instances it ends up with a very unequal amount of give & take, psychologically and emotionally, with me doing 90% of the giving. It’s totally exhausting constantly validating someone. So when I can’t take any more I cut all ties and disappear. I’ve tried different ways of equalizing the balance. Like trying to get them to be interested in what I’m saying as opposed to me always listening to what they’re saying. Butting in to their constant stream of self absorption to change the focus onto something else. Not even something about me. It doesn’t work. They just get upset that the attention is not on them at all times.
I’ve even tried broaching the subject itself, in a diplomatic way. Like they tell you to do in the articles. Yeah right. I got snapped at that I was being inconsiderate and not understanding. All because I wanted some recognition, some reciprocity in the friendship. To talk about what was going on in my life too.
One person would ask what was going on with me and I would say something about something that happened, and hope for a response. She would answer with “Oh. Well, I did blah,blah,blah today and blah,blah,blah happened to me yesterday.” and proceed to go on and on about herself. It got to the point that I didn’t even say anything about myself because I knew she didn’t give a crap. Why bother? I could set the phone down and be doing something and she would never know. I’d just say uh-huh or yeah every so often. Whereas in the beginning of the friendship I’d be interested in what she was saying and ask questions and contribute. Which is what I thought was how it was suppose to be, both ways.
So for me, ghosting is a tool. It’s something I use when I’ve exhausted not only myself, but ways of salvaging a friendship. As the years go on and things have happened to me, it’s more important than ever to know that life is too short and because of that, I’m important too. If I’m not of any more value than a fountain of validation or a prop for support to someone then they can just f* off. I will no longer sacrifice myself emotionally, psychologically or any other way for someone who doesn’t value me as a human being. They don’t deserve anything more than a ghost.