So Complicated

Complicated. Isn’t everything? Or is it? Do we make things more complicated than they really are, or should be?

It’s complicated just sitting here, writing this post. I wouldn’t be able to do it if the TV were on and Hubs was sitting there making comments to me. Even though it’s not, and he’s not, I still have to form thoughts and put them in order and hopefully put them down in a way that makes sense. The making sense part is the hardest. There’s so much bouncing around in my head that I have to throw the other things in a closet and just work on this right now. Even though they keep cracking the door open a bit saying “Can we come out now? Can we come out?” I KNOW I have other things I need to be doing, but I want to get this done first.

Lives can be complicated. A lot, probably most, peoples’ lives are more complicated than mine. Broken, even re-broken families that have multiple fathers, mothers, siblings are very common and so complicated. I had a stepfather so I had a taste of that. I’ve only had one husband and still have him, although it was rough at first. So I haven’t seen things from the divorced side of life, and I don’t want to.

I’ve lost both parents within a year of one another and subsequently disowned three of my “sisters”. They are now sisters only by blood. Whereas before, we had been really close at least in my heart and mind. It was so complicated that it was turmoil in the worst way.

Do we make our lives more complicated than they need to be in our day-to-day? I tend to think that things are laid out along the path of life according to the Plan. Whether you believe in God or not, fate, destiny, God’s Plan, whatever, is already lined out for you. It’s extremely difficult to not worry about things that are happening, that may happen in the future. Do we control what will happen to us? To some degree I think so. (More on that later.) But if we make the wrong decision, wasn’t it already on the path that we would take that turn? How do we know it was the wrong decision? Because it didn’t turn out like we thought or hoped it would? Who’s to say if we’d have made a different decision that it would’ve turned out better? Even that decision could’ve taken a turn for the worse. Our “wrong” decision could go south for a while and end up being something totally great albeit not exactly what we thought but maybe better than what we had initially envisioned.

Now, I’m not talking about life & death decisions. That’s a whole other ballgame. Like drinking & driving. To drink & drive is obviously a wrong decision. One knowingly chooses to make the wrong decision on that one. It’s entirely possible that there could be an accident, and it could affect people’s lives forever.

I’ve had a lot of upheaval in my life in the past few years. I’ve had more surgeries than I’ve ever had in my whole life up to then. We moved from a house that we’d live in for over 24 years. Had a house built, which was uber stressful. I got stage 4 cancer, but so far have beaten it. All of these things were in my Book of Life. I didn’t know they were going to happen. I most certainly stressed out about them. But I also found relief in the thought that whatever happens is what is suppose to happen. That no amount of worrying & stressing is going change that. Does the relief last long? Not as long as I would like because like I said, it’s extremely difficult to manage the fear of the unknown. Did I do what I could to steer the outcome in a positive direction? You durn tootin’!!  We caught a multitude of things that were wrong with the construction of this house before they became permanent. I kept a positive outlook about the cancer not only for myself but for my family. All of the unknowns about moving  had to be rationalized and the what-ifs had to be kept to a realistic level.

Are things more complicated than they should be? I think sometimes we make them that way. Fear gets in there and takes over. Sometimes other people make things overly complicated and there’s not much we can do about that. All we can control is ourselves and how we react to those other people. It’s a constant work in progress and I’m still working on it all.

This is a fractal. It’s very complicated.
The same fractal, zoomed in. Not quite as complicated. I call it the Sun Queen.



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