When the north wind is blowing so hard it moves things around outside.

When the freezing air blows through the gaps between door & frame so much that you could fly the flag.

When freezing air is flowing out of the freaking door handle. Like where you turn the little lock thingie.

When the resulting fix looks like a child’s tape masterpiece. With a  baggie taped over the door knob to catch the air flow.

When more cold air is pouring down out of the bathroom fan vent than it could suck up if it were on.

When the air coming out of the heater vent is colder than you are.

When you think about how this house is only 18 months old.

When you go through the house, holding your hand over every window and door to feel if there’s cold air flow coming from them and you look like you’re trying to heal them by waving your magic hand over them.

When you cover every opening and gap in the windows with insulation and masking tape so they look like the aforementioned door.

When you have several bags of several sizes and types of window & door gap sealer. Foam rubber tape, foam rubber tubing, rubber tubing, putty, masking tape, duck tape. And you use them all.

When all of this takes a couple of hours.

When it’s still 64 degrees in the bedroom. And in the bathroom. And the only way you’re gonna get warm is to take a hot shower with no cold water mixed in.

When while you’re taking said shower, you plan your fastest method of drying off and getting dressed before you freeze to death.

When you put the extra quilt and wool blanket on the bed, wear your extra thick flannel PJs and fuzzy socks to bed.

When you wonder if maybe you should go get one of your knit beanie hats to wear to bed but it’s too cold to get out of bed once you’re in there.

When you “turtle” by burrowing down in the covers and completely cover your head and only leave an opening to breath out of. Very effective. Maybe too effective because you then have to come out from your cocoon and the cold air hits your face like you opened the door to the freezer.

When you get up in the morning and have a real fear that your butt will freeze to the toilet seat when you sit on it. You envision Hubs having to call the fire department to come and rescue you because you and he have tried all methods of extraction from the toilet seat and they didn’t work. And they bring a blow torch. And they’re like, 5 of them. And they’re not even cute. And you’re sitting on the toilet.

When you put your heavy duty winter robe on and your biggest, warmest floppy slippers that have giant bunny heads. And you leave your fuzzy socks on just in case. And you consider the beanie hat again. And think of gloves.

When you look at the thermostat and it says it’s 62 degrees in the house. And 7 degrees outside.

When you think a cup of coffee might be all you have left to keep you from turning into a popsicle. And you’re 95% correct.

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