For the DP of “squat”, which is an odd word; this was the first thing I thought of (sorry). I’d just recently posted this so thought I’d link to it for the Daily Prompt .
Here’s how it goes:
You’re a woman, out in public, like shopping or at the movies or a restaurant and you have to go to the bathroom.
You go in there and the first thing you do is check out which stall is the cleanest. Well, no, actually, the first thing you do is make sure you’re in the WOMEN’S bathroom. I mean really, what woman hasn’t walked into a men’s room some time in their life? The next thing you do is check out which stall has a working lock. Forget about the hook to hang your purse. They’re unicorns. Don’t exist anymore. And when they did exist they were on the verge of extinction because every one of them were broken. I have to wonder what the heck did people do to those things to break them? Were kids hanging off of them? Was somebody’s purse actually heavier than mine? I doubt it. I had the heaviest purse in our whole family. Weighed out at a whopping 5.5 lbs. and I couldn’t even tell you what was in it. Don’t judge me.
But I digress. Back to the saga of the ladies’ room.
You have to walk sideways to get past the door and into the stall. It’s that small in there. And you’d better make sure you came in facing the door because there’s no way you’re gonna be able to turn around in that thing without climbing on top of the toilet. Or backing out. Believe me, you don’t want to back out when there’s a line waiting. It’s a cruel psyche-out that women do not appreciate. At. All. Kinda like when you think someone’s leaving a prime parking spot, but they’re just straightening up the car. Except much, much worse.
Now that you’re in there, the real challenge begins. You have your 5.5 lb purse. Forget about it if you have a coat as well. No really, forget about it. Go home to pee because it’ll never happen in that stall if you have a coat AND a purse. Or at the very least it’ll never happen the way you want it to.
So you have your 5.5 lb purse with no where to hang it. What to do? There’s no freaking way you’re sitting it down on the floor! That thing is second in line behind your kids in importance. It probably goes more places with you than your kids do. So, option B is hold it either on your arm, or under your arm. But then, how the heck do you get your jeans down? It’s a two-hand job and as soon as you reach down, you’ll either drop your purse (possibly into the toilet) or it’ll slide down your arm and land on the floor (or in the toilet). The only viable option is hanging it over your neck. I guess if you have a really small purse that doesn’t weigh much, you could hold it with your teeth. I’ve never had that option myself. Remember, my purse is a big 5.5 pounder. Even putting it over my head and hanging it from my neck is an Olympic feat. Thankfully I have the longer strap handles so I don’t scrape my face trying to get it over my head. People wonder what you’ve been doing when you come out of the stall and your makeup looks like your 3 yr old applied it a couple of days ago. Here’s a warning: Don’t try to be clever and hang it backwards onto your back. No.No. No. Gravity is a bitch. She’s never had to go to the bathroom and she doesn’t carry a purse. She has no mercy. You’ll either choke yourself unconscious when you straighten up, or you won’t even make it to the next step before that sucker falls forward practically breaking your neck and giving you a hickey like you survived a hanging. Just let it hang forward. If you have a nice uhhh… healthy chest, lucky you…built-in shelf. Me…not even remotely.
Ok. Now once we have the purse issue tackled, we can move on to the next step. Covering the toilet seat. Back in the early days, and still in a lot of places there was only toilet paper. You drape it ever so carefully making sure that you don’t touch the toilet seat with your hands and that no bottom flesh comes in contact with said seat. It’s an art that takes practice. Even those paper seat covers take practice. You know why the box for those things are always empty? People are practicing. The slightest breath will send it into the toilet before you can use it. My best advice is don’t breath, don’t wave your hands anywhere near it and for the love of humanity, don’t hit it when you’re getting your pants down!
Which brings us to the really tricky part. Under NO circumstances should your pants touch the ground OR the toilet. I know your purse is hanging from your neck and you can’t see them. And I’m not just talking about your jeans ladies. I’m talking about those essentials that go up against your skin. Your most personal of personals. There is a 99.9% chance that when you sit down that your most personal of personals will be at the exact height of the bottom of the toilet seat. Where it sits on the bowl. Where fabric could oh-so-easily go between the two into the depths of filth that are the stuff of nightmares. Do what you must to avoid this at all costs.
So at this point you’re sitting there, the paper barrier is all askew but by now you have to go 10 times worse than when you started. You hope that there’s enough barrier to protect you. Problem is, your 5.5 lb purse is in your lap, right where you need to be in a few minutes/seconds. Your sense of urgency has passed, literally, and you can think more clearly. One hand is managing the personal of personals keeping it safe from the Chernobyl of toilet seats. Luckily you have two hands. At this time is it semi-safe to move your purse around to your shoulder, the one with the protective hand and onto the other side. Don’t let the purse go all the way to the middle of your back. You’ll never be able to retrieve it again. It’ll take two people. Although I’m sure some kind woman who’s finished in the ladies’ room would be more than understanding if you came out with it slung around to the back. She could help you to retrieve it. We’re all sisters in this situation. Unless it’s a woman in line, waiting. The next woman in line won’t even be able to see that you have a purse strap strangling you. Remember the warning above: the choking and the hickey.
You’ve gotten the purse semi-safely out of the way now and you can finish up. I won’t get into how the toilet paper turns into a piece of thread when you pull it down from the roll. Which makes you have to pull so much out it looks like a snowball before it’s suitable to use.
You’ve taken care of everything and now it’s time to stand up. You’ve gotten your purse back into it’s forward position. It will take much more strength to stand up than it did to sit down, especially since you have your purse hanging there and your hand is still on protection duty. You struggle to your feet with Herculean effort and without touching the toilet seat. The paper is stuck to your skin and dangling all over the place, as well as into the toilet itself. You hurry to remove it without touching the contaminated part before the auto flush comes on. You don’t want to leave the toilet looking like it didn’t flush and having people think you don’t flush; even though it’s an auto flush. You’ve moved far enough away from the toilet that your pants are clear of danger but you still have to hold them because you don’t want them to fall to the floor. That would mean bending down with the purse on your neck and chances are you wouldn’t be able to straighten back up. I mean, seriously, remember the Herculean effort from just standing up? You’re just about spent. You get your pants up and your purse off of your neck, which is aching from the strain. If you’re not too far gone, you check to make sure that none of that toilet paper that was dangling is stuck to your shoe, or hanging out the waistband of your pants in the back.
You figure out the best way to turn sideways to get out. When you do get out, you are facing the line of women with disgusted looks on their faces because you’ve been in there for 10 minutes. Or maybe it’s because they’re getting ready to do the battle that you just did. You wash your hands and leave without looking at them again. You’re too exhausted to do any more shopping and you’re ready to go home. Besides, by the time you get out of there and into the light of day, it appears that you have to pee again.