Or:  As The Body Turns.

Yep, it’s happened and is happening. I’ve never had much luck with clothes in general, but lately it’s gotten to be a full-blown attack from them. Being flat-chested ( I read a bra ad the other day that called it an “athletic” chest. I literally laughed out loud.), with a big butt makes finding something to balance it all out quite a challenge. Plus I have really long arms that practically make my knuckles drag the ground.

Sumatran Orangutan (Pongo abelii)
Sumatran Orangutan. Photo: Anup Shah

Ladies’ long-sleeved shirts (blouses) do not, and never have, fit me. A couple of years ago I must’ve been in a shopping stupor because I got the crazy notion to try on a long-sleeved blouse. As I tried to put it on, the sleeve got stuck just below the elbow. It was too narrow, or more accurately, my arm was too big for it to go any further. And it was a size Large. Ladies in the dressing room were probably wondering why I was laughing so hard in my little cubicle. It was so bizarre that I couldn’t help it. I have to clarify here that I’ve never been a plus size woman. Most of my life I was 5’10”, 135 lbs so a large was not a fantasy fit for me. But in the past 5 years or so the pounds have been gravitating towards me like metal to a magnet. Damn you Menopause! But anyway, that was a stark reminder not to try on any women’s long-sleeved blouses ever again.

Here’s the thing about jeans too. I had a big butt, little waist. So in order to get the freaking jeans over my butt I had to get a larger waist size. So… when the jeans were on, I had about a 2-3 inch gap around my waist. WTF. I think womens’ jeans were actually meant to accentuate the saddle bags on the sides of my hips. Really? Is this some sort of trick? For me, guys’ jeans fit better with less gap and more relaxed around the hips so that’s what I wear. These days my waist is desperately trying to catch up to the size of my butt. Great. Thanks body. Appreciate it so much. I mean, do I really deserve this? Wait. Don’t answer that. Apparently you think I do.

I guess I can’t blame you too much for turning on me. I did work like a sled dog most of my life. I remember those hard, manual jobs working on horse farms. Lifting wheelbarrows with hundreds of pounds of feed in them, or an equal amount of manure depending on the time of day. Getting yanked around by or pushing & shoving horses. Getting stepped on, kicked, bitten, knocked over, squished and even dragged a few times. I guess I deserve you turning on me. Although, really, I do think the cancer was way too harsh. Do you really truly hate me so much that you’d try to kill me? Wow. I hope you got that out of your system. Literally. No more cancer, please.

Ok, well, I don’t want to go to the dark side so I’ll move on. These days my clothes are way more comfortable than chic. I don’t really go anywhere that’s a reason to dress up. I don’t think people care that much anyway if you’re dressed up or not. As long as you don’t look like you crawled out from under a rock. The height of me dressing up is jeans and a nice shirt and some jewelry. I have to admit I love me some bling . Sparkly things grab my attention, just like a bird. Which I have to add here: I decided a long time ago that I would wear whatever jewelry I felt like at the time. If it is the most blingy thing on the planet, I don’t care. I’m not waiting for some magical occasion to wear something, because it’ll never come. I have beautiful costume jewelry that was in the box for years that I’d never worn because it was too “fancy”. Well crap. What’s the point in having it if you’re not going to wear it? Are you just suppose to open the box & look at it occasionally? What a waste of good sparkle. I’ve gotten a lot more satisfaction in wearing the stuff than I have from just looking at it. I could care less if I’m not following the rules. Since my hair has been growing back, I’ve started wearing earrings again. I definitely lost my identity when I was bald. But, it’s starting to come back as I feel more & more “normal”. Although, it’s a very different identity than it was before. But that’s ok. Some things remain the same. Like I know I’ll get the same result if I try on a ladies’ long-sleeved blouse. At this stage, it probably wouldn’t go past my wrist. 🙂

branson31

 

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