Waiting

It’s a lot of waiting. Sitting here in a room designated for just that. Hubs is having open heart surgery at the very moment I’m writing this.

I wrote a post earlier about being scared and worried, but I deleted it. It wasn’t very upbeat.

I don’t usually, but I read about open heart surgery and bypasses. At least I waited until now to do it. I was better off ignorant. Usually knowledge helps to ease my anxiety over things. The Mayo Clinic explained it well, but it only increased my anxiety.

They actually put him on a heart & lung bypass machine that pumps blood and oxygen through the body. The heart is stopped. Literally stopped so the surgeon can work on it. I feel the clench of anxiety in my stomach just writing that.

We had to be here at 5:30 am. Which meant getting up at 4:00 am. I feel like I’ve been in a fog the whole time. But now I’m getting a clearer head. Second wind? Maybe it’s the protein from the almonds I ate. Maybe it’s because it’s 9:15 am now which is normal human time for me. I had some protein before I left the house, but it only kept me from getting hungry sooner. Not give me energy.

I haven’t had this much fear and anxiety in quite a while. Not even when I found out I had cancer. Maybe because it was happening to me. It’s much harder to deal with when it’s happening to someone else.

He will be in the hospital for a week, which means he/I will be having Christmas and his birthday in the hospital. Yay. It wouldn’t have been that way if the insurance company had done their job when they were supposed to.

It’ll be a few hours (3-6) for the surgery. All I can do is wait. And hope he’ll be ok.

UPDATE: Hubs made it through surgery ok. Taking it day by day now.