I’ve discovered that blogging brings out some deep thoughts in me. The Daily Prompt is brilliant. Kudos to WP! I’ve thought about today’s prompt for a couple of hours now, and as I’ve read some of the corresponding posts more than a few have centered on death. Certainly death is inevitable. No denying that, and it’s definitely a proper response for “inevitable”.
But I don’t really want to think about death, and it being inevitable. 6 months ago I found out I had Lymphoma. About now, 3/4 of the people that started reading this post (if any) are clicking off of it. That’s ok. I don’t care. I get it. Cancer is scary, depressing and is associated with death. Nobody wants to think about it. Including me, but I was pretty much forced into it since as far back as I can remember. My father died of cancer when I was one year old. Cancer runs in my mother’s side too and she died of it 14 yrs ago. So I always figured it would show up in my book of life. Was it inevitable? Maybe. I don’t know. It seemed like the odds were good that it would.
Was I shocked? Well, yeah. Sorta. There was a bump on my head that wasn’t normal. But it wasn’t like the doctor called me into his office to “talk”. I think the fact that I didn’t hear from them for a while (maybe 2 weeks) made me think that maybe there was no big deal.( I know it takes some time to do the biopsy.) So I went to the appointment to hear the results by myself, because I figured it would be ok. It wasn’t ok.
Did thoughts of death & dying enter my mind? A few times. I was told if I hadn’t gotten treatment I’d be gone within 2 years. Sobering. But it’s not something I dwelt on. What good does that do? It was hard enough on my family as it was. I didn’t see it as a death sentence, but as something that we just have to get through. Oh. A side note: My hair was down to my waist, but I cut it and donated it to Children With Hair Loss so the cancer wouldn’t get it. Now, after chemo it looks like this. Ha! F U Cancer!
Now, 6 months later, the last scan I had found no Lymphoma. Yay!! I still had to finish the last two chemo treatments and I have to have another scan to be sure it’s gone. The scary part for me is if it comes back. It can always come back. Is it inevitable? I don’t know. But I do know that the fear will be with me the rest of my life. But I can’t let it dictate my life. That would be a waste.